Arrr Mateys! Ahoy there!... and such

September 19th is not just the day before I finally get my hair cut. Today is International Talk Like a Pirate Day. You read that right. Nerds who desperately want a pirate's life of scurvy, and sailing from flea infested harbour to herpes infested wench now have their own magical day. So there you go. What's next? Smurf Appreciation Week? Ninja Day? According to Wikipedia, Ninja Day already exists. It’s creators were inspired by ITLAPD. And that, my friends, is why the internet will truly be the death of us all.

Making fun of people who love pirates is like picking on people who think they are vampires. At first it's easy to ridicule these outcasts with their strange talking, dressing, rum/blood drinking habits. Soon, however, you begin to feel bad because you realize how close you are to your prey. We are all part of the greater nerd hierarchy and we all have a place. One nerd's sword collection is another nerd's goth poetry. Can't we all be socially awkward together?

So instead of taunts, today I am offering an olive branch and snappy eye patch to pirates everywhere. I'm going to talk like a pirate - at least at home with my cat. In fact, I'm renaming Oscar "Ye Old Scurvy Land Rat" until tomorrow. Pirates are pretty cool, at least the movie ones that wear outrageous hats and spend pieces of eight. Also, the people who created this day were featured in a truly awesome episode of Wife Swap (your new husband thinks he's a pirate! Good luck getting him to pay the phone bill!). In celebration of... ugh... pirattitude...I offer my favourite pirate things. Enjoy them with loved ones. Unless your loved ones are normal people. Then ditch that boring family, because it's pirate day matey!

Cassandra’s List of Pirate Treasures! (get it?!)
1 - Parrots on your shoulder! Did the birds poop on the pirates? Did the pirates even care?

2 - The pirate simulation game Tropico 2. A friend gave it to me based on a brief conversation and a general feeling that I would like to spend hours pretending I'm a pirate. He was right! I love this game.

3 - The sailor / pirate on Family Guy who has two peg legs and two peg arms. That guy is hard core.

4 - The Styrofoam pirate hat my pal Stephanie made during dinner one night at our University cafeteria. It was an inverted soup bowl with a skull drawn on it. She’s no Martha Stewart but that hat was the cat's meow. Or the pirate’s' wench.

5 - Three words: Captain Freaking Blood. Oh my God. Errol Flynn IS Captain Blood. The original posters proclaimed "6 feet 4 of fighting manhood!", and they were so SO right. This is the best pirate movie ever. It has horrible French accents, sword fights, booty, and just a dash of slavery.

Captain Blood is good, but Captain Levasseur is OUTRAGEOUSLY French!
6 - The band Ghost Pirates Without Heads. That name totally says "I wear horn rimmed glasses and Green Latern tee-shirts ironically. Here's a song I wrote about watching TV, which I also do ironically."

7 - The trailers for the Pirates of the Caribbean movies that just said "PIRATES!" over and over again until I had to laugh and clap my hands like a happy monkey.

8 - Pirate monkeys... Okay, now I'm just doing word association.

Enjoy this stupid day nerds! Arrr!

TTC, ya you know me.

Today was supposed to be relatively quiet in the office, and between registering patients I was going to research the recent TTC (Toronto Transit Commission) funding crisis and write an informed, opinionated piece on this worthy subject. Once I sat down at work, however, fate took a hand and the phone began ringing off the hook with people who wanted to know where their contact lenses were, why I was booking so far ahead, and if I thought it was fair that OHIP no longer covered eye exams. The afternoon culminated in a surprise almost appointment with diva chanteuse Sarah Brightman. Unfortunately, her handlers "couldn't find her" (damn you phantom! Leave that woman alone!) and I was left to imagine what witty things I would have said to the woman who married the man who brought us Cats. I have "I Lost My Heart To A Starship Trooper" on my iPod, so a cleaver Hot Gossip reference could have at least started the conversation.

In a perfect world, this would have been the theme song for the Paul Verhoeven film Starship Troopers. Am I right people? Eh? Eh?!...
Whoo hoo! Bugs!
At the end of my slightly surreal day I had no energy nor time left to research my piece. Then I remembered - hey! This is the internet! No one researches, or in my case reads, what I write anyway. This is a blog. I could say Britney Spears owns sixteen cats and named them all after snack cakes and no one would care. It's the wild west and anything goes baby! So here's what I think about the TTC funding crisis, based mostly on thirty second CP24 updates, and heavily influenced by last nights Family Guy episode where Peter gets hired by the news to do a nightly segment called "You Know What Really Grinds my Gears". Enjoy.

You know what really grinds my gears?! The TTC. Hey, don't get me wrong, I use the TTC. I use it every day and whether it's getting up to let old people have my seat, or MINDING THE GAP that could (presumably) swallow me whole, I am a pretty considerate transit rider. I take the subway, the bus and the streetcar. I read the free newspaper and then when I'm done I carry it out and recycle that bad boy like a good citizen. Don't tell me I don't know transit.

So the TTC is freaking out yet again about funding. Not enough money. Never mind that the TTC is more popular than ever, there's still not enough money to keep the rockets rolling. Mayor Miller's land transfer tax was shut down and now the only other option (apparently) is to cancel bus lines, route extensions, and shut down an entire arm of the subway. The new Sheppard line to be exact. The part of the subway they just paid billions of dollars to dig out and build less than ten years ago. Brilliant.

If they close the Sheppard line, how are the good people of Toronto supposed to get to IKEA? Won't somebody think of the children?!
But here's the part that really ... um... cranks my stereo. All this commotion and fear mongering is really a political ploy to get provincial leaders now running for the fall election to promise Toronto more funding. Libraries and community centres are closing on off days for the same reason. Now I'm not saying we don't need the money. I'm saying where the hell did the money go, and what are our options? Mayor Miller's strong arm tactics to get his tax plan accepted does little to explain why we're in this mess to begin with. I know the funding crisis is not entirely his fault, and I know Toronto has been in the red for years, but I feel a little too manipulated by political forces who are quick to point the finger at each other while leaving the public in the dark. And without library books.

But back to the TTC. The icing on this whole messy cake is the stance taken by TTC officials that the reason we are going to get even more over crowded bus rides home (otherwise known as "the groping hour"), and fewer convenient stops is because we, the paying public, bought too many monthly passes when we should be buying single fares. That's right. We're to blame for the funding problems because of our blasted basic math skills. Do you know that a single ride on the TTC costs $2.75? Round trip is over five bucks. A monthly pass is still just under $100. It's not a huge savings, but for regular commuters the deal is obvious. The TTC has increased fares multiple times since I moved to Toronto five years ago. We keep paying and rider ship keeps increasing. Instead of the customer is always right, the TTC seems to think the customer is the only reason why they can't make a decent profit.

So, to summarise, the faulty logic of the TTC is to cut routes, schedules and service. Thus, commuters get longer wait times, crowded trains, and less convenience for a price that is more expensive than other cities of similar size. This leads to fewer commuters on the TTC, and more cars congesting our roads and air. OR, and here's the wacky idea from a kid with no economics background at all, the TTC could keep all services, expand routes that are in desperate need, and charge more for a monthly pass. The TTC just finished a survey of users and found most people wanted a fare increase over decreased service. We're asking to pay more so that we can keep using the TTC. Take advantage of our good will!

In summary of the summary: TTC should charge more and get more money from provincial powers without cutting service, and Mayor Miller should back off with his land transfer tax and start giving the people of Toronto other options. Or just instigate the damn tax if you really want. I rent an apartment so I won't even have to pay the tax. I'm too poor to own a house in this city, what with the cost of daily transit.

Also in summation - Starship Troopers is an awesome movie and should be seen by everyone.
And that's what really grinds my gears.